Instant Confusion

(In Dec. 2002 issue of my school paper. I know its kind of pointless to put this kind
of article on the internet, since I needed to explain 1337 and everything, but I still
stand by what is said here)

There are certain necessary evils in the world.  Taxes, dentist appointment, shorts, homework, those sort of things.  However, if they ever handed out awards for unnecessary evils, instant messaging would be first in line.  This time sucking, mind numbing, sense stupefying institution is possibly a greater waste of time than televised billiards.

The greatest shortcoming of IM programs lies in its interface.  The 8 second exchange that begins each telephone conversation takes up to 5 minutes on IM.  Between the time that you ask “How are you?” and the time you receive a response the person on the other end of the conversation has to answer their 5 other “conversations,” get up to get a drink, and ponder which smiley face best represents their complex emotions.

Instant Messengers have tried to rise above this shortcoming by developing an lexicon of shorthand and abbreviations.  Though it is a good idea on  paper, in practice the system falls apart.  With so many BRBs, GTGs and LOLs--it looks more like a technical manual than a conversation.  Some of the abbreviations, like IC (short for “I see”), are particularly pointless.  Seriously, is typing two more letters too much to ask?  At the other end of the spectrum, there are have abbreviations that are so long and complicated it leaves one wondering what on earth was just said.  Can someone reasonably be expected to decipher the acronym ROTFLMAOWSPCOOMNOTGSC?

Some who are not satisfied with just confusing people with their shorthand have formulated entire systems for misspelling the English language.  Enter a method of  communication used by would-be computer hackers all over the world.  They call it “leet,” designated by the numbers 1337.  This linguistic blight uses any number of numbers, punctuation marks, and symbols in place of actual letters to convert simple phrases like “I cannot reach this itch on my back” to monstrosities like “3y3 K4/\/+ R34¢h T#y$ 1T<|-| 0n |\/|y b4KK d00d.”  People who use 1337 will often try and convince you of their “1337 $k1|_|_z” and expound upon why such and such either “$uXorz” or “RoX0rz.”

Another instant messaging pitfall is the over-customization it allows its users.  Now, customizing is fine, but some people get a bit swept away by all of the options.  One of the myopic decisions made by the folks at AOL is the fact that screen names can contain an unhealthy amount of characters.  Most people stick to short monikers like “BillyDaKid” or “LakerGirl34872349,” but some people become drunk with the possibilities presented by a near infinite space in which to write their name.  I have  literally come across users whose tags went along the lines of  “Religion_is_the_narcotic_of_the_masses_now_hand_me_your_gold_peon”  Instant Messaging programs also allow you to chose different fonts when one chats, some of which are questionable in their usage.

All of this contributes to the typical, intellectually stimulating IM conversation:

Conjuntion_Junction_whats_your_FunCtion_
Hookin_up_words_and_phrases_and_
clauses: \/\/|-|47z (_)p d00d?
Vanessa23237: NAWLH studying 4D big test, how about you?
Conjuntion_Junction_whats_your_FunCtiom
_Hookin_up_words_and_phrases_and_
clauses: LOL!!!1 73$7s $uXorz!
Vanessa23237: YB! Oops GTG!