Improving English

I like English.  It’s actually a very nice language, mostly because it has an impossibly large amount of words; more than any language in fact.  If you want evidence of this, head on over to Mr. Johnson’s room at #818 and ask to see “The Dictionary” and remember that that’s simply a fraction of the available English lexicon.

Still, there are a few flaws in the mother tongue.  One could probably write a book dealing with the whole “I before E except after C” rule and its numerous exceptions.  There is no one to actually write in and complain to about these things, unlike other countries where they actually have governing bodies for their language.  I guess you could write to Webster’s or something, but that would probably turn out to be fruitless.  That is why I’m forced to write columns about it instead.

Submitted for your approval, here is a list of improvements to the English language:

· Make a ruling body for English so I don’t have to do this again.  First of all, it would prevent you from having to read something like this again.  Second, it could resolve disputes that plague English, such as the aforementioned “I before E” fiasco and the proper usage of the commas.  I think you should be able to use commas whenever you want, but that’s just me.

· No more rules about underlining books and putting quotations around short stories and the like.  Anyone who has produced a bibliography knows exactly what I’m talking about.  It seems every single media format has its own way of designation itself.  You underline books, but italicize moves.  You quote poems, and don’t do anything to albums.  As far as I can see, there’s not point, and anyway, there’s far too many formats to even try and create a system.  Are you going to be deducted points in a report for not citing an MP3 correctly?

· Get rid of the letter k.  It is a dead weight if you ask me.  Just think, c is already widely used for the exact same sound, why not just use it exclusively?  Besides, the use of the letter k is getting out of hand; if I see another “Kooky Klown” or “Krazy Kat” I am personally going to hurt someone. Krispy Kreme’s tasty confections are all that keep my anger abated against them.

· Add æ to the alphabet.  I know I just spoke in favor of shortening the alphabet, but I think it’s a worthy addition.  It’s just cool.  For instance, take the word Caesar.  Not very exciting is it? Now make it Cæsar. Instant coolness!  I’m also open to adding that little o with the line through it.

· Create a unisex pronoun.  Writing his or her is getting old.  You could just write “his”, but that would just make some women mad.  How about “che” instead of he or she?  Then again he’s would become che’s, but I’m sure there’s a good suggestion somewhere out there.