2004 NBA Draft Running Diary

Me and my friend Dexter decided we'd steal a page from Bill Simmons's book and do a running draft of this year's NBA Draft. I'm in regular type, while Dexter's in italics.

So with out extended adieu:

4:02 They keep playing “Who Are You”. The analysts have already started talking. 

4:05 There are few moments greater in live TV than when the guy on satellite smiles blankly for half a second when asked a question. With Dick Vitalle, it’s even better. 

4:07 Honestly, who would Okafor or Howard would rather go with?

I don’t think you want to go with either. I mean you either go to Orlando and lose for six years or go to Charlotte and lose for six years. 

4:11 All these sidebars; it’s information overload. 

4:14 I think we had a Sasquatch-esque Stern sighting as he enters his fortress of solitude. 

4:23 Dwight Howard is described as a poor mans Kevin Garnett. Is it ever good to be a poor man’s anything? 

I’d be a poor man’s Bill Gates. 

4:25 Somehow, within the first two picks, we have not only the “guy with two first names” phenomenon with Dwight Howard, but also the inverse of that, the even more rare “guy with two last names” with Emeka Okafor. What are the odds of that happening? 

4:30 What purpose does a Secret Window serve anyway? Isn’t the purpose of a window to provide sight to the outside? If it is secret, it’s not doing that too well, now is it? In other news, the draft is ALMOST started. 

4:32 Our first mention of the WNBA from the Commish, greated by unanimous boos. Why do they hold these things in New York? Are they hoping the crowd will not be unruly and surly? 

4:37 Can Howard hear all the analysts telling the audience how they should go with the sure thing? 

4:38 And it’s Howard! Stern keeps trying to catch his eye, unsucsessfuly. 

4:39 I cant believe a minute has gone off the clock already for Charlotte’s time. Shouldn't they be rushing to the podium to make sure that its not a dream that Emeka Okafor just fell into their lap? Are they sitting back there thinking, “ya know, that Russian Kid is supposed to be good.” Can somebody explain this? 

And Dexter pulls out our first Sports Guy impression. The diary is officially underway. 

4:43 Wait a minute, Rex Chapman was the face of a franchise at one point? We’re talking NBA franchises here, right? Charlotte giddily laps up Okafor. 

4:46 Next time Dick Vitale comes on I’m going to count how many times he does the separated hand gesture. He does it at least once per second. How does he not have arthritis at his age? 

Speaking of Vitale, someone at ESPN needs to die so he can give the eulogy. That might shatter the unintentional comedy scale as we know it. 

4:49 Ben Gordon? Isn’t that three point guards in the top 10 picks three years in a row for Chicago? If you can shoot the ball and make the NCAA Championship game, are you a lock to go to Chicago? And did Kirk Hinrich have a 4-Wheeler accident I wasn’t aware of? 

4:51 Dick Vitale, who is apparently Too Legit to Quit, just made 31 hand gestures during one speech. I’m stunned. 

4:53 When the Clippers pick Andre Igalouna (or whatever) and immediately trade him to Chicago for Ben Gordon, you can say you heard it here first. 

Well, we’re putting this article up later tonight. Sorry.

4:55 Or maybe the Clippers will just pick another PG instead of making a trade. Bilas just said Shaun Livingston is not a good shooter, so my question is, has there EVER been a high schooler coming straight into the league that actually had shooting as a strong point? 

4:57 I wonder if there’s a tally going on of how many former Clippers and former Wizards have gone on to championship teams. It's nice for the NBA to let their developmental teams play in the same league. 

4:58 Did Stephen A Smith just do research on Howard and Okafor and then just forget about the rest of the picks? They couldn’t shut him up earlier about Okafor, now he hasn’t said a word in 15 minutes. This is disappointing, as he is the only commentator on ESPN that would even be given a guest spot on the TNT set. 

5:01 13 year old Devin Harris goes 5th to the Wizards for the Mavericks. This could sweeten the deal for Shaq, as the Lakers could use a PG for future years to stand around while Kobe takes bad shots. 

5:04 Elgin Baylor: “We’re doing everything possible to make this team better.” I have no comment to add to that. Speaking of the Clippers, are they going to start playing basketball “for real” if they get Kobe? They must have a stash of salary cap immunities or something built up somewhere that they can bust out. 

5:05 Josh Childress seems way too happy to be going to Atlanta. He knows that Jason Terry and Steven Jackson shoot a combined 55 times a night in front of approximately 850 fans each night right? And do they make the hats for draft night extra flexible, so the Josh Childress sized fro’s can be suppressed? 

5:10 Is that a war cry for Luol Deng? In what other sport could this possibly happen? I love this game! 

5:12 Peter John Ramos popped up on the best available list. When is it possible to start making John Stamos jokes? 

5:16 Araujo going way early at 8. I’m very upset. The Jazz placement in the draft was just too good to pass up. Of course you get the wife interview from the BYU player. 

5:18 How much would it cost me to get tapes of all the Raptor’s upcoming practices? Seeing Araujo knock Chris Bosh 15 feet backwards every play, only to have Bosh leap up and block his short from 5 yards away every other play would be high comedy. 

5:21 We finally get our first upside of the night. Good stuff. 

5:22 Are they booing Cleveland for choosing Luke Jackson? Who boos Luke Jackson? Are they completely soulless? Anyway, a Jackson/James line for 10 years in Cleveland would be awesome. 

5:34 Being the first person drafted from your country has to be tough to beat. I mean, who else in Latvia has a better claim to fame? 

5:36 How long is it going to be before a European player touted as tough and aggressive is actually going to live up to it? It has to happen eventually, right? 

5:37 I’m just waiting for Stuart Scott to spout off some urban slang like “Don’t Front” after interviewing some foreign guy, and it actually meaning something horribly offensive in Latvia or wherever they are from. Just to see the player turn shockingly to his translator as Scott smiles widely into the camera having no idea he’s about to be demolished by the 6-11 foreign guy. 

5:40 The first trade is a disappointment, since we already knew it was coming. And at 12, we have the first Oxymoronic name of the night, as 7-0, white center Robert SWIFT goes to the Sonics. 

5:49 Portland, apparently unfamiliar with the Lottery process, reaches WAY TOO MUCH for Sebastian Telfair, who apparently has said he will be bringing no one to live with him next year. This is certainly a good recipe for his future. 

5:52 Kris Humphries, who just seems to be way too big for a Freshman coming out of college and scored 21 PPG may not ever put the ball in the hoop during practice, as he has to deal with Kirlienko. But at least he wont be surprised when defenses come at him in real games. And I really think Humphries whiteness may have been the deciding factor in taking him over Kirk Snyder. 

5:56 I swear Utah, If you don’t pick Snyder, I don’t know what you can do to redeem yourself. I mean, who else are you looking at? He’s a shooting guard! It couldn’t be more obvious! 

5:58 Thank you! As an aside, Stern’s gone 2 for 2 mispronouncing Oregon and Nevada. 

6:07 I was almost expecting it to say “The ability to play basketball” under the Must Improve box in Josh Smith’s bio. 

6:11 I think a rivalry between foreign and high school players needs to happen. As it stands, high schoolers are owning this draft. Quick question: what’s more disorienting, seeing these high school players play in concrete boxes or seeing foreign players play with the triangular key? 

6:20 Look, Nokia, no one is going to choose ZoneDee as a screen name, let alone enough people so that someone is going to have to be ZoneDee203. 

6:24 Hey, there’s worst places to go than Denver, Jameer Nelson. That’s an interesting dynamic of drafts - the longer you sit, the more likely you are to go on a better team. Why are players upset that they go later? 

6:31 Wow, Stan Van Gundy looks exactly the same after an intense playoff game as he does via satellite on draft day. 

6:36 Ok, the difference between Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith criticizing players just drafted and Tom Tolbert doing the same is that there is rarely a player as good as Barkley drafted, and maybe 6 or 7 per draft as good as Smith (maybe), but with Tolbert, can’t you just imagine every single draftee coming in and making him look ridiculous. And he dresses ridiculously. 

6:41 Three Russians have just been drafted, quadrupling the players from that country. Yay for them. 

6:45 Uh, never mind Jemeer, that trade kind of kaboshed that. 

6:46 Is it harder to find suits for the 7 foot plus guys or for the three year olds? 

6:53 Ya know, if I had a big contract with ESPN, I think I could come up with a lot more and a lot funnier stuff for this running diary. Not that it’s easy or anything, it just is hard to stay motivated when the chances of the next pick being named Sergei rocket up to 75% near the end of the first round. 

6:55 I love the 6'7 185lbs players, if only because you immediately know that they are never going to play a minute in the league. Really, who is the last guy over 6'5 who weighed under 200lbs that made any sort of impact? Also, isn’t Portland's GM John Nash the guy from A Beautiful Mind? Does this explain the erratic madness behind the Blazers’ draft picks? 

7:05 Wouldn’t a sweet deal be being the President of Basketball Operations for an NBA team? It seems that most of the time it’s the Vice-President who makes all the decisions, so can’t i be the President of Basketball Operations for the Magic or something? I can sit in a Skybox and smoke cigars and shake the hands of certain influential people. Sometimes life isn’t fair.