Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Precognitive Review

I wrote this before Clones actually came out,
hence "precognitive." Just roll with it.

It’s been a long wait for Star Wars fans for the release of the latest installment of the series, and technically its also been just as long a wait for those who aren’t fans as well. Either way, Attack of the Clones is finally here, and your reviewer will make all attempts to not make some lame joke about “Sending in the Clones.”

Clones is the story of young Anakin Skywalker, a Jedi in training under Obi-Wan Kenobi. It’s tough being an apprentice Jedi, and Anakin finds peace in the science lab. The prom is coming up, and Anakin has his heart set on asking out Amidala. However, Amidala is already set to go out with football jock Jango Fett, who pleasures in tormenting Anakin. Will Anakin be able to win Amidala, and avoid the watchful eye of stuffy Principle Palpatine? You’ll have to watch to find out.

Of course, central to any Star Wars film is the large array of impressive and imaginative settings and vehicles, brought to life by life-like special effects. Sure to be a hit with the fans is Jango Fett’s Slave I, with its sleek design, pulsating lasers, real cargo space, and five talking phrases, all for $7.89, batteries included!

Ha ha! Really, I kid. I kid because I love. In truth the best part of the movie is when the setting of the movie focuses on Tolaluhlalat, a dry and barren planet. Anakin and Obi-Wan are here captured, and forced to compete in hand to hand combat with fellow prisoners, Triple H, Sting and The Rock in hard-core, Jedi, tag-team battles.

Some people might be concerned about the presence of Jar Jar Binks, but rest assured, he’d eaten by Jawas in the background of the opening narration. However, you might be discouraged by the fact the film has a new source of comic relief in the form of Darth Carrot Top, Darth Sidious’ caretaker apprentice. The new character is heard to say, “Turn to the Dark Side…and save big credits on collect calls!”

Though some might me concerned with the new additions to the series, fans should rest assured that many older elements have been implemented in this new entry. Of particular note is a musical number featuring the long-mouthed crooner and blue elephant thingie from Return on the Jedi in a rendition of “Devil Went Down to Georgia.”

All in all, Attack of the Clones a treat to both hard-core fans and normal human beings alike. Despite its merits however, it receives only 1 shilling due to the conspicuous absence of Christopher Walken.